Zarley's Big Adventure.

 

So it's been awhile since We've had a good Zar story, not that we haven't had any, just none that I have written about but this one just makes me laugh and I want to remember it, so this is kind of journal thing.                                                                                                                                

    First, the night before Thanksgiving we went to dinner as a family we were driving and Winter is asking about getting a belly button ring, I told her she knows my conditions, Zar brings up tattoos, Winter says she will get one when she is 18, Zar proceeds to tell us she wants one. This was our conversation:                                                                                                                                        

Zar: I'm going to get a tattoo on the back of my neck

Mike and I in unison: NO YOUR NOT

Zar: Why?

US: because the back of the neck is trashy

Zar : Fine then I am not going to tell you what it was going to say.

Us:  OK Zar what was it going to say?

Zar: it was going to say people should be free..... (short pause) in french

Us: In french? why French

Zar: I don't know just sounds good

Us: Why people should be free.

Zar: because people all over the world should be free.

 

On to Zar's big adventure.  So this year was my family's year for Thanksgiving so the Sunday after we had a Thanksgiving dinner with the Howard's. Zar was not happy to leave so the ride home was fun for lack of a better word.  She was angry that anyone dare talk and just kept getting more and more upset.  So you can understand Mike and I take each kid out shopping one at a time to buy gifts for their siblings and for whatever cousin they have drawn or whichever they match up with in age in Kerry's family Zar gets Oliver because she likes him and no one else is her age. 

Zar : I am not going to buy anyone any thing... except Winter

Me: Winter isn't even in the car Zar?

Zar: duh mom that is the point she isn't bugging me so I will buy her something.

Me: OK Zar

Zar: you don't even try to fix my life mom, you don't even know whats wrong

Me: I am sorry Zar What is wrong? how can I fix your life?

Zar: well I know how to fix your life, you want to know how?

Me: sure, How can I fix my life

Zar: you can get a better job, you know like a career that pays you more money so you don't have to work so much.

Me: a career Huh? OK thanks that is a good plan.

Zar: I know what I am going shopping for, and it is nothing to do with you or your crazy hair.

Me: OK Zar I love you.

       (that makes her real mad when I say that.)

Zar: That is it mom, I am giving you one last chance to raise me one last chance (insert all Zars attitude and her holding up her one finger.) and the next time you blow it I am running away. Never to return again.

me: one last chance huh? OK I better be careful.  I love your Zar.

Zar: shut up!

 I know your thinking is she really this calm. I actually am first of all I was dying I found this so funny. I use to get really upset and freak out it has taken a lot to remain calm in these situations. But we see a guy that I love and he is helping me to better deal with these things.  When I stay calm the situation usually ends quicker.  And besides her wording is just so damn funny.

 

So Mondays are one of my long days, I work my school job then hurry home usually to grab laundry to do at work then head to my other job where I work until 11, 11:30 then it takes me 40 min to get home so I usually am home a after midnight and I am spent by then.  So the following Monday night I came home to what looked like a bomb had gone off, my house was a disaster, I was to tired to clean then, and I had to cross that week so it was a 3 job week, Anyway, Tuesday I was yelling at my kids to clean up because I can't do it all, bla bla bla.   Well with doing that I blew my last chance. 

Miss Zar packed up her bags and she was running away.

Zar: that is it I am out of here

Me: where you going?

Zar: I am not going to tell you, I don't want you guys to come visit

Me: OK, can we have one last hug?

Zar sure. 

she hugs us all and starts to the door with like 2 suitcases and 2 bags, a blanket. and I think a pillow.

me: hey don't forget a coat, it is cold out.

Zar I won't I was going to grab it

Me Ok do you need any help

Xav : by lovey

Zar:  no I got it,

me: you sure? I love you I will miss you

Zar : I don't need help I won't miss you.

Zar: I am leaving now, I will be back for lunch and dinner (pause) and my pills

Then we all gave her a hug and she left.

 

 

 

Zar heading out.

 

Owen was very concerned.  I had Winter follow her, she just went to the side of our house and set up camp, she had her blanket and stuff all set up, I went out and asked if she was cold or would like to come back in but she said no. Owen kept going out to check on her. He is such a good sweet brother. He would come in and say don't worry mom she is fine I checked on her.  Mike did not find this even the slightest bit funny.  He just thought it was sad.  I acknowledge there is a level of sadness to it. but it was also hilarious at the same time.  If I let myself think about the sad aspect, I get very down and feel like a failure as a mother.  This is where the neuro pshycholgoist helps out. He helps me understand better. Which allows me to find the humor.   I can either laugh or cry and I have spent way to much time crying the last year and a half.  This little firecracker of mine, oh the things she says.  Mike was on his way over so he talked to her and she came inside after only about a half an hour.  He is really quite good with her. They really seem to connect and always have.  I love that she has that. Sometimes I feel crappy because it isn't me, seems like it should be the mom but at the end of the day I am just glad she has someone.

The next weekend was Zarley's shopping turn, Mike and I were talking, I was telling him how I wanted to go on another get away to Vegas with my friend Danielle, and Zar pipes in from the back seat,

Zar: OHH I can't wait til I can go to Vegas and PAARRTTYY! then she just laughed..

and I laughed and said "oh Zar you are going to be good time some day!" Mike just looked at us and wished me luck getting her to bed.  I told him I would take this happy giggling 1000 times over her angry tantrums to which he agreed. 

My little Zar she always keeps things interesting that is for sure... I can't wait to see what the teenage years bring us.. Heaven help me!                                                                                                             

I do know that she won't fall into peer pressure not many can get this girl to do something she doesn't want to do or that isn't her idea.  Which I think will end up being a great trait later in life.

a year gone by

A year ago today my life changed forever.   Some say a year later and nothing has changed, and many many days I feel the same way. But other times I think how so many things have changed. I see so many more faults in myself than I ever saw before. I see more all the time the role I played in my life crumbling around me.  I see some strengths in myself that I didn't know I had as well.   

 You know life isn't always perfect and I know people like happy blogs where life is always wonderful but life isn't always birthday and barbeque's. Some times life is simply just a shit storm. If none of us ever talk about the rough waters, how can anyone know who to turn to when their shit storm starts? Some times it is hard to hear the down parts of life or to hear when some one we love is not the person we want them to be or the person we have made them out to be.

  The hard part about life when its storming is the rest of the world might be experiencing sunny skies.  I have learned that all to well.  In the last year my life has fallen apart and I see it in my children I see them struggle.  I see it in friends and family.  You know life is falling apart and you don't know what to tell people or how to let people help you so you, or I push people away, another one of those things I have realized about myself. One of those things I am not so proud of.  Everyone else's life hasn't stopped just because mine did.  Things are still happening and I have to deal with those things, and I have had to learn to deal with them differently then I would have before. Which is where some of the strengths come in.   I have had an overwhelming amount of things fall on my plate in the last year.  I often wonder when the clouds will clear and the sun will start shining again. 

  My grandma use to say there is always some one worse off than you and always some one better off then you so be happy with where you are.  That can be a lot easier said then done at times.   Then you have a moment like I had the other night. Owen and Xavier were sitting up to the counter and Xavier said to me : mom you and dad made me like this and he pointed to himself, then he said and you and dad made Owen like this and pointed to his brother.  I turned and looked at their cute little faces and I said your right buddy we did and we did a really good job.   And we did.   We did a really good job.

  Over the last year I know the thought has come up that maybe things were a mistake, or that things will be so much better of with a divorce, I don't know how anyone in their right mind could listen to my little boy, or look at the faces of any of my children and ever think any part of our lives was ever wrong, or a mistake, or not the right thing. Its hard to lose things in life that mean so much to you and realize how easily you could be replaced in other peoples worlds. To learn just how easily you are displaced, then replaced is almost as heartbreaking as the rest of it.
  This year has gone by so fast and so slow.  And while so much has changed so much has stayed the same.   I still love my husband as much if not more than I did a year ago, some would ask how that could be and I don't have the answers.   Some people think I should have moved on cut my losses long ago. Some people don't understand my forgiveness, this baffles me.  Isn't that what we are suppose to do forgive people love them for their faults and forgive?  I question myself on this all the time am I being stupid, why am I holding out.   You know a lot of people say when your done having kids you just know you just have that feeling and to be honest I had that feeling I love babies but I don't want any more kids. In this last year I have never had that feeling that I was done with my marriage, it has never felt right to me to shut that door so I haven't.  Every day I wonder if I am crazy or if I am right.   I guess only time will tell. 
  We have been through ups and downs and then even more downs, right now I feel like I have a partner for the first time in years.  Some one to help with homework and other things and that is a good thing. 

   A year later and one thing that hasn't changed a year ago we were the Howard 6, Mike, Amber, Winter, Zarley, Owen, and Xavier.  Today we are still the Howard 6, Mike, Amber, Winter Zarley, Owen, and Xavier.

Catching up

It's been forever. I have tried to blog a few times but for whatever reason my computer at home doesn't want to cooperate. I have pictures I wanted to post but can't. Maybe if I ever figure out what the problem is I will do a picture only post. A lot has happened in our lives. We had a very successful baseball/T-ball season. Both boys played and they couldn't have been cuter. Xman was the White Sox and Owen was the Diamond Backs. Owen Played coach pitch and did really well. He only had to use the tee. a couple of times this year. He is really starting to get the game and know to throw to first to get the guy out. It is so fun to see him understanding and growing. He had some visitors at some games, not everyone was able to find the time to come out and see him. We do what we can right. Xav did really well especially for being one of the youngest on his team. He had one game where he had Mike pitch to him and he got a hit. NO tee for him. At one point he didn't want to play in his games because he wanted to play "real baseball" with out the tee. I guess he gets it to. Xavier also learned to ride his bike with out training wheels. He is so cute on his little 2 wheeler I love it. It also makes me so sad, he is my baby and not wanting to be left behind at all he is doing things so fast. He hadn't even turned 4 and was riding his 2 wheeler. He learned the youngest out of all my kids. We had our dance competition season which I really do love. I love to go and watch I always have a good time. I love solo night to. Winter did really well, she didn't win every time but she has grown as a dancer and she always makes me smile when she dances. I just think she dances so pretty. Zar moved up 3 levels in reading over the school year she is doing really well. We have our struggles that's for sure. I just look at her beautiful face and I don't understand why she has to struggle so much. We have really been having a time of it lately. What I hate most of all is how some people just don't get it. They just think your kid is spoiled or lazy or whatever they don't seem to understand she really has some things hindering her behaviors. And then others just want to brush everything under the carpet and pretend she is your everyday average child who isn't going through anything. That with a little love all we be well. Neither are the case. It makes my blood boil. We will be on a different track this year for school C track which means my kids only get a 3 week summer. Owen is going to be in the dual Emerson class so that is the reason for the change and amazing opportunity for him. But a 3 week summer totally sucks. And I work all the time now makes me feel guilty my kids don't get a fun summer. My poor kids are wondering what happened to the days mom was around to do things with us. On the plus side Mike doesn't work as many hours so when I am at work he has been taking the kids and taking them swimming a lot. Owens swimming has gotten so good. He is jumping off the diving boards now. My parents finished a room in my basement for Winter, I couldn't thank them enough. I am hoping this will help with some of the issues we've been having. Now that Zar and Winter will have there own space. I think they both really need it. hopefully I can figure out a way to get some pictures on. I have 3 weeks off from my school job which is nice since I have been working like 50 hours a week lately. I feel so behind on everything in my life. My house and laundry my yard. I know its normal for a lot of people to have this life but its not for me. And dealing with everything alone has been hard. You never realize the things you have until they are gone. Even if its just that emotional support of a spouse. Someone to complain about the long days to. I have to find day care of Xavier this year which is tearing my heart out. This to I know many people have to do all the time. I have always been able to work when Mike could be with the kids or had a schedule where I could have family help me. I have never sent any of my kids to a stranger. It is so hard. I don't even know how to find someone I will like or that Xman will be comfortable with. I should thank my sisters for all the babysitting they did for me this last year as my life changed and I did my best to pick myself up and make the best of the situation. I truly couldn't have made it through this year with out them. I also couldn't have done it with out the help of Kerry's mother in law Robie who watch Xavier and Owen on more than one occasion at the last minute when I was in a bind. I did Ragnar this year and I have to say it was the most fun I have had in a very long time. Thanks Nat for letting me be on your team. Can't wait to do it again. I really surprised myself with how well I did. That to was a nice feeling. I have another challenge I am training for that I hope will be rewarding as well. Well that's the last few months in a nutshell I will post some pictures as soon as I can.

Lent

Lent came and went and we did it. It was a hard a few times I really wanted to break and have a Dr. Pepper but Winter and I did it. I led her astray in the end. I didn't really do my research I thought it ended on Good Friday but apparently that is the most important day and you end on Saturday. Winter is in California and I know she woke up really early on Friday to have a Dr. Pepper drinking contest with her newly found half brother before he went away on a school trip. Congrats to her she won. I however mostly because the opportunity didnt present itself did not break until Saturday.
I think it was a good experience for us both and we did it together the little kids did it to I think unless they broke when with Mike but I don't think to much. However they don't get it as much. For Winter and I we gave up something and stuck to it.
I've decided I like this little temporary sacrifice and I am going to start a new session.Probably should come up with my own name for it. I am debating between chocolate and fast food. Fast food would save me some money, but sometimes I just have a bad day and don't want to cook so I go grab dinner. Chocolate, has become my new addiction I don't know why, I think there is something to that myth that chocolate makes you happy. I've read articles that depressed people eat a lot of chocolate I am telling you there is something to that.
I think I have convinced a friend to join me and she wants to do chocolate, so I think that is what we will do. I will let you know how the second round goes.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my mom's birthday. I wanted to post pictures but now I have another part time job during the day and Thursdays are my long day where I will be working from about 10:00 am to 11 pm. I didn't get pictures ready before hand.

My mom is AMAZING! There isn't another way to describe her. She is crazy at times, very emotional, and there are times she has gotten on my nerves (as all moms do right?) However my mom Kathryn is simply the hardest working person I have ever met. She still works to 2 jobs at 62. My mom has had some major health problems over the last 6 years, she has even lost half of her leg. Yet she keeps on going. Not only does she keep on going, she strives to not let it stop her from doing things. This last summer she made me so proud. She water skied again for the first time since losing her leg, not for long and on two but she got up and it was the coolest thing to witness. She also climbed up the path to the Indian Ruins, she needed a little help which Mike was happy to offer. It was really nice to climb up with her and have my kids witness that determination and also get to experience the ruins with there grandma.
My mom is the best, she sends all the grandkids (16 or 17 cant remember now and dont want to count) cards periodically through out the year and they almost always have a dollar in them, my kids so excited to get a piece of mail, and even more excited to get a dollar, and they always have nice sweet messages in them, encouraging them in school or dance or whatever they are doing at the time.
She tries to do fun things with them. Last year she had a St. Patrick Day dinner with all the grandkids, they ate green food and frosted cookies, and no parents were invited. They even got individual invitations. Everything my mom does includes everyone she is fair, to everyone, she doesn't buy something for one and not another, if she finds something she will save it til she has something for everyone. I love that about her.
My mom whether she has agreed or disagreed with my opinions on something she always tries to get me to see the other side, she always plays devils advocate. At times I hate it, it drives me crazy, well more when I was younger I appreciate it more now. It gives me a chance to think about what someone else might be thinking.

Through all that I have been going through my mom has not bugged me for details she has just sent me encouraging cards telling me she loves me and that I can get through things, even if it seems impossible right now. I know that my mom would do anything to help me. So as crazy as my mom can be I love her. I am so proud she is my mom and that my kids get to witness what an amazing person she is. The most hardworking honest person I have ever known. I hope to be half as amazing to my kids as my mom is to me. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM I LOVE YOU!

Anniversary

So today is my 11th anniversary, I say that because although we are getting divorced it is still our anniversary and no papers have been filed or even really worked on up to this point so we are still very much married. This whole process is devastating and heart breaking and not just for me and for Mike but for so many other people. I don't think we realize how much our marriages or relationships actually effect so many people.
It has come to my attention that people think this is terrible, and it is terrible but I think it is terrible for different reasons. It is terrible because I still very much love my husband and it is terrible because my kids are struggling, it is terrible because both Mike and I struggling. It is a very hard thing to have to do. It is not terrible in the sense that we fight about a lot of things because the truth is we don't we have definitely fought more going through some decision making to get to this point then we ever did while being a "happily" married couple but we don't fight about the kids we don't really fight about money or any of that stuff. We both really want what is best for our kids. We both want to make this as easy as possible for them. The hardest part is Winter because she is so deeply hurt, she understands what is happening and why, she is heartbroken for so many reasons, the little kids just don't get it. Also Winter has known Mike the longest he has been her dad the longest. She knew him as the dad that read to her and played with her outside fixed her tires, all that stuff, the truth is, with Mikes schedule for the last 4 years my little kids have only know him as a weekend dad, Owen and Xavier have never had Mike home to put them to bed at night so it isn't to much of a change for them. That part is the hardest for me. Now that he is working days he has all this time that he could be with the kids and now he isn't. He could be putting them to bed every night, reading to them but he isn't I waited so long for this, I feel like although Mike was putting in the "work" hours I was putting in a lot to, taking care of the kids alone and the house alone and the yard and all that alone and I never got the pay off, it was all for nothing.

So for this non-anniversary post I will just say a few things I will miss and a few things I won't miss as this is my last anniversary post.
1. I won't miss mikes piles, he makes piles when he comes home, emptying his pockets, taking off his shoes, top shirt or jacket etc....
2. I will miss his sense of humor, he could always make me laugh and everyone needs that in life, so a definite miss.
3. I won't miss his messing up my bed, I like it nice and neat he always had it in a messy ball
4. I will miss his passionate arguments on politics, We never agreed but I liked that, I liked that we had things to discuss and try to learn different points of view from the other. And I can honestly say over the years he did manage to get me to soften on a few subjects.
5. I won't miss his laundry, he always has so much laundry and figuring out what is clean and what is dirty because they are both on the floor I don't miss that.
6. I will miss Lake Powell trips with him, we always found a way to have time with just our own little family before joining up with either my family or his. These are some of my very favorite memories with Mike and I will so very much miss making new ones.
7. I won't miss his impatience when trying to fix things, he always gets mad and ends up throwing something or yelling a lot, okay actually its kind of funny so maybe I will miss it a little
8. I won't miss his errand running when we are already late for something, he always has some kind of errand to run, "just need to drop this here really fast or go buy this on the way" drove me crazy.
9. I will miss I do miss watching tv series with him on Sunday nights whether its Weeds, or Dexter, Greys Anatomy, any of the others he got me hooked on I do miss that and I am now very behind on all those shows and I will probably never watch them again.
10. I won't miss how he changes a song after just a couple lines, he waits for you to get into the song and then changes it. Or him turning up the radio when I try to talk to him, because he isn't much of a talker.
11. I will miss, I do miss his companionship, he has been my best friend for a long time and it is really hard to not have that anymore, its hard to not text him or call him when stupid things happen in the day.

I have learned a lot of stuff over this last year about my husband stuff I never really knew and I am sure he has learned stuff about me. I do wish for happiness for us both as we move forward and I hope this is the right choice. I know people say you shouldn't air your dirty laundry but maybe somebody out there is going through a hard time and my dirty laundry could help someone else not have to go through something like this.

I will say to all spouses make sure you thank your partners for the little things, I never appreciated mine for putting up the Christmas lights and taking them down I just thought it was a boys job. I had to take my own down this year, I did not like it one bit and doubt I will have any come Christmas time this year. I never realized what a pain it was to carry in the 40lb bags of salt and dump them into the water softener, it sucks I hate doing it. What I am trying to say is we get so caught up in life that we take the stupid little things for granted and I don't want anyone else to have to realize those things to late.

Lent

So today starts Lent, I am not a super religious person, but I think it is a good thing to try and do and to try and teach my kids the value of giving up something for a period of time.

So as a family we decided to give up caffeine. I think the only one it will be hard for is Winter, well and Mike if he decides to do it I told him we were doing it and he could join if he wants. Anyway, we have not been giving caffeine to our little kids for a few weeks now because Zarley doesn't sleep well these days (yes I know my kids shouldn't have it it is bad for them but truth is they do have it, get over it.) my pediatrician(who is the best) and I came up with a plan to try to help the sleep problem, it has meant a lot of changes for us but I am trying to avoid sleeping pills so we are giving it our all.
1. No caffeine, including chocolate, that is hard for Zarley who can sit and eat a whole bag of chocolate chips by herself (yuck!). The Dr. said after dinner at least so I decided no caffeine period, no chocolate after dinner. I just couldn't do that to her.
2. More exercise. She does tumbling a couple times a week but sometimes I have to carry her in kicking and screaming but I feel it is worth it because it gets her out of the house, she likes it once she gets there and I leave, and it also gives her some social interaction. On the off days we are going to try and do something together because I need more exercise to maybe it will help me sleep better as well. I sleep in like 1 1/2 intervals it really sucks!
3. NO electronics after dinner time. No TV, no Nintendo DS, no Ipod nothing. This one is probably the hardest but it has actually been kind of nice.

Ok back to Lent so because of these changes I figured for Lent caffeine would be best, my little kids are already doing it and it isn't good for Winter and honestly I don't really drink it, although I have been drinking more Dr. Pepper lately than I have in a long time its so easy to get caught back in that damn trap so I figured this would get me back out. So as I explained what little I know about Lent to my kids and why we are doing it. Zar says to me I want to give up reading. I told her it couldn't be something she hates, that would be to easy it has to be something she loves. So she comes back a little later and says ok mom I am going to give up school for 40 weeks. I again told her it had to be something she loves not something she hates. She told Winter, I am going to tell mom I love school so I can give it up for 40 weeks. Don't tell her k! Winter: Zar you know 40 weeks is almost the whole year right? It isn't 40 weeks it's 40 days...Zar: oh man I thought I would have more time off. Then Zar comes to me and says: Mom I totally love going to tumbling, I think I am going to give it up for Lent. Mom: Zar your not giving that up that is good for you and you need to keep doing it, we are doing caffeine or you can give up TV. Zar: oh no way I can't give up TV I will do caffeine you don't let me drink it anymore anyway..... Finally she is getting it. She is pretty damn funny sometimes. Winter said I should give up water but that is just ridiculous you cant give up water.

I don't really know all the ins and outs of Lent but I think it will be a good learning experience for me and the kids. I guess we are kind of doing our own version of it. Something to make us healthier, something we are doing together. Anyone else doing anything like it?

actions

So I read this blog sometimes, http://www.memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com/ if you haven't ever read it you should. Sometimes I think she is a bit over the top and sometimes I think she is amazing and strong. She seems to forge her own path with her kids and not really care what the rest of society thinks. Which I think is a lot easier said than done. Her last post is about how actions speak so much louder than words especially to preteens and teens. I have been thinking about this so much lately with Winter. How I or everyone in her life can tell her something but our actions are sometimes sending a much different message and sometimes it's the message of our actions that she is getting not the words we are saying.
Teenage years are hard, I think back to being a teenager and how you think your parents are so lame with their rules and whatever. Oh my how these years suck as a parent. You want to allow your kids to do things but not get in trouble, you want to send the right message that will build them into strong responsible adults, its a fine line, actions vs. words. You never know which message your kid is receiving the one your telling them or the one your showing them.

Winter is a bright amazing girl, who yes has fault and yes I see it all the time, her grades have slipped this year she seems to not be so interested in dance as she was last year, she has been very caught up in drama that just makes her feel bad, how do I teach her to let things roll off her back? I don't do it. I have spent hours upon hours crying in my room over the last several months, letting other people make me feel bad about myself, yet I am telling her to not listen to other people, to let things go. How can I expect her to do that when I am letting her watch me be weak, letting other peoples words get me down, letting other peoples actions cause me pain.

This post rang loud for me. I want to show her to not let people define me or her, I want all my kids to learn to define themselves for who they are and what they do not what other people tell them they are. I know this post was about media and other things but it gave me a message that was needed right now. As parents it is our job to teach our kids things and put our foot down when it's something we don't want our kids seeing or hearing. I feel such a greater responsibility these days in teaching my kids to make the best decisions in life. To do the things that are right and honest. That means making choices that my kids might not like and other people might not like but they might be best for my kids, and to hell with what other people think!

What do you think? Do you think your actions send the same message as your words? What areas can you work on to send the right or same message? The hardest part is when they say well so and so's parents let them, you catch yourself thinking, do they? well I think they are a good parent so maybe, I guess you should always go with your own gut right? I always say to Winter well I am not so and so's parent but then I find myself questioning or changing my mind. It is hard to stand your ground when everyone else is doing it so to speak. Let me know your thoughts.

Out of gas.....

Last night my best friend and favorite sister in law asked me to meet her at the gym, she signed up where she can bring a friend every time for free, I told her I couldn't meet her I was out of gas, I had no idea how true that was. So this morning I told Owen we had to leave a few minutes early to pick up Xavier from school because I had to get gas and I would get him a treat. I made it down my street and down the next street, I stopped at the Stop sign and my car died. Out of gas. UGH!

My first thought was oh my gosh Mike is going to kill me, then I remembered, Mike won't kill me, he won't even know this happened. Then I thought Oh my gosh what am I going to do? How will I handle this on my own? Sometimes when you run out of gas in a diesel it is tricky to get the car to start again.... I don't know the tricks. First thing I did was call my brother he lives close, but he was at work in American Fork. Plan B call Audrey, she can pick up Xavier and then at least he won't be sitting at school wondering where the hell is mom is. OK I thought one problem solved, Next I called my sister Tiffany who should be heading home from her dance class luckily she was coming right home. She picked up me and Owen and took us to the gas station to get some gas. We came back and put the gas in the car which was kind of hard, I know its sounds lame, who hasn't run out of gas, but I drive a huge lifted Excursion and I had the large gas can and I am 5 ft tall so it was a bit difficult to get the gas into the tank. My sister helped me. I went to try and start the car and at first it wasn't starting I was getting panicked. I closed my eyes and thought I am going to have to call Mike, people are right I can't do this alone. Then I said to myself you can do this, I tried one more time and after a little hesitation my car started. I did it with out any Male help. I know people do this all the time but it is a first for me and its all about the baby steps right?

Sisters are the best thing in the whole world. I don't know what I would do without my sisters. I just don't know how people go through life with out sisters. Mine save me all the time, I wouldn't trade anything for my sisters (this includes you Nat your as close to sister as anyone not born from the same mother could be.) I hope that all my sisters feel they can ask me for anything like I know I can ask them. Audrey and Tiffany thank you so much for your help today. I hope as I adjust to my new life I don't burden you with all the help I might need.

I am so glad my girls have each other. Even though there is a big space between them and even though they both say they don't like each other I know they do and I know that they will be there for each other no matter what. Just like lastnight when Zar and I had an emotional conversation about divorce and stuff after she asked me to send Winter in. Winter went in and talked to her, I asked Winter what Zar wanted and Winter said she had said she just didn't want to be alone. I am so glad she was able to aske for her sister and that her sister was able to be there for her.

Bitter Sweet

Today I took my kids swimming for the very first time as a single mom. I have actually never taken my kids swimming alone before, I usually go with my sister and her kids so her teenagers help or Winter and a friend who also help a little. Or with Mike but today I took my 3 little ones and one of my nieces all by myself. The kids go back on track next week and we have had a rough month trying to get caught up on things. I haven't grocery shopped or done anything so today was a special treat.
It was bitter sweet. I know I can handle all the kids in the pool now, I know Owen hasn't lost his swimming skills. Last time we went swimming both Mike and I were so impressed with how well he was doing its been so long I was a little worried he might have regressed but he hasn't.
It was different, I am a little short so we can't go as deep to jump off the edge as we would when Mike came with us but I still did it. Going in the lazy river isn't quite as fun with two kids you can't quite float them the same as you can just one, but I did it.
I can't exactly take pictures of the fun event because I am on my own and can't be in arms length as the rules state and taking pictures so I still have to find that balance.
I know this sounds stupid and I know that moms take their kids swimming and do that kind of stuff all the time, but for me this is a first of many and it is hard and good all that the same time. I was told earlier this week I couldn't do it on my own so I guess I look at it as me saying yes I can and just watch me do it.

Zarley

Zarley, Zar-Zar, Zarlybinkines, Bugges

To Zarley:
Hey Zar its Dad, I wanted to tell you that I love you. I love you with all my heart. You are your own person and I can’t wait to see what you grow up into. From the moment I saw you in moms belly at the south town mall I know I was in love. I have my weak moments in life like everyone does. But you have always been there for me to pull me off the edge. You and your sister and your brothers. Are you the best behaved little girl? No certainly not but I would not have you any other way. And a girl could be as fun and exciting and full of laughs and be a good girl. I know times are easy right now. I know whose fault that is. But that doesn’t change who you are to me and what you mean to me. When I spend time with you, you make me the happiest father in the world. I know school is tough I know some of the challenges you face in your life because I have face the same challenges. I think that’s why we bond. I pray you don’t grow up to face the challenges I face these days. But if by chance you do I hope you have someone to pull you out of the darkness the way you always seems to do for me. If not for a single hello on the phone or a kiss from you who knows where I would be. I look at your smile and it could brighten up the dark side of the moon. There are days I find myself on that dark side of the moon and it’s your light that shines, and shows me the path back to life. I know that's a lot of responsibility for such a little girl. But I want you to know that you mean more to me then the world itself. It breaks my heart to hear when you have sad days or bad days. I want you to know that I have them too. I have the days where you just don't want to get out of bed and face the world. But there is this little girl out there that sunshine’s and gets me to face life. Because I know that I could not face life without you. So on your Birthday I don't mean to make this about me. But I want you to understand how important you are to me. How I could not live without you. You will never have an idea how true those words are. Zarley I love you. Below is a song that reminds me of you. You are my answer, I hope when you grow up I will be your answer. I will always be here for you. Like my parents in your darkest days and lowest moments there will always be a hand there to pull you out. Sometimes you just need to look up instead of down. I miss you every second of every day. I miss seeing what outfit you will decide fits your mood or what shoes might work. I love the gamble of if it’s going to be a good day or a bad day. You can be so sweet to your brothers. I loved how you promised to share perfume with your sister because you knew she wanted it. Some day you’re going to grow up and wonder who is there for you. You should know I will always be there for you.

I have 8 birthday wishes for you

1. 1. I know your little heart can dream and I wish all your dreams come true. I promise to do everything in my power to make them happen.

2. 2. I know you don’t like your glasses but I hope one day you will see yourself for how cute you are in them

3. 3. You are as special as your name is. There is no other Zarley out there.

4. 4. I hope some day you get all the American girl dolls your heart desires

5. 5. I wish I could bring you a Mnt Dew every morning. But a responsible parent doesn’t do that. Doesn’t mean I don’t want too.

6. 6. I hope I get to take you to England some time so you can see where your Dad came from

7. 7. I hope when you grow up you have a child that means as much to you as you do to me.

8. I hope that you find happiness we try to find each day.

Love Always,
Dad

Answer

By Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

Link to Song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=f6pQcpFnXOI

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