Anniversary

So today is my 11th anniversary, I say that because although we are getting divorced it is still our anniversary and no papers have been filed or even really worked on up to this point so we are still very much married. This whole process is devastating and heart breaking and not just for me and for Mike but for so many other people. I don't think we realize how much our marriages or relationships actually effect so many people.
It has come to my attention that people think this is terrible, and it is terrible but I think it is terrible for different reasons. It is terrible because I still very much love my husband and it is terrible because my kids are struggling, it is terrible because both Mike and I struggling. It is a very hard thing to have to do. It is not terrible in the sense that we fight about a lot of things because the truth is we don't we have definitely fought more going through some decision making to get to this point then we ever did while being a "happily" married couple but we don't fight about the kids we don't really fight about money or any of that stuff. We both really want what is best for our kids. We both want to make this as easy as possible for them. The hardest part is Winter because she is so deeply hurt, she understands what is happening and why, she is heartbroken for so many reasons, the little kids just don't get it. Also Winter has known Mike the longest he has been her dad the longest. She knew him as the dad that read to her and played with her outside fixed her tires, all that stuff, the truth is, with Mikes schedule for the last 4 years my little kids have only know him as a weekend dad, Owen and Xavier have never had Mike home to put them to bed at night so it isn't to much of a change for them. That part is the hardest for me. Now that he is working days he has all this time that he could be with the kids and now he isn't. He could be putting them to bed every night, reading to them but he isn't I waited so long for this, I feel like although Mike was putting in the "work" hours I was putting in a lot to, taking care of the kids alone and the house alone and the yard and all that alone and I never got the pay off, it was all for nothing.

So for this non-anniversary post I will just say a few things I will miss and a few things I won't miss as this is my last anniversary post.
1. I won't miss mikes piles, he makes piles when he comes home, emptying his pockets, taking off his shoes, top shirt or jacket etc....
2. I will miss his sense of humor, he could always make me laugh and everyone needs that in life, so a definite miss.
3. I won't miss his messing up my bed, I like it nice and neat he always had it in a messy ball
4. I will miss his passionate arguments on politics, We never agreed but I liked that, I liked that we had things to discuss and try to learn different points of view from the other. And I can honestly say over the years he did manage to get me to soften on a few subjects.
5. I won't miss his laundry, he always has so much laundry and figuring out what is clean and what is dirty because they are both on the floor I don't miss that.
6. I will miss Lake Powell trips with him, we always found a way to have time with just our own little family before joining up with either my family or his. These are some of my very favorite memories with Mike and I will so very much miss making new ones.
7. I won't miss his impatience when trying to fix things, he always gets mad and ends up throwing something or yelling a lot, okay actually its kind of funny so maybe I will miss it a little
8. I won't miss his errand running when we are already late for something, he always has some kind of errand to run, "just need to drop this here really fast or go buy this on the way" drove me crazy.
9. I will miss I do miss watching tv series with him on Sunday nights whether its Weeds, or Dexter, Greys Anatomy, any of the others he got me hooked on I do miss that and I am now very behind on all those shows and I will probably never watch them again.
10. I won't miss how he changes a song after just a couple lines, he waits for you to get into the song and then changes it. Or him turning up the radio when I try to talk to him, because he isn't much of a talker.
11. I will miss, I do miss his companionship, he has been my best friend for a long time and it is really hard to not have that anymore, its hard to not text him or call him when stupid things happen in the day.

I have learned a lot of stuff over this last year about my husband stuff I never really knew and I am sure he has learned stuff about me. I do wish for happiness for us both as we move forward and I hope this is the right choice. I know people say you shouldn't air your dirty laundry but maybe somebody out there is going through a hard time and my dirty laundry could help someone else not have to go through something like this.

I will say to all spouses make sure you thank your partners for the little things, I never appreciated mine for putting up the Christmas lights and taking them down I just thought it was a boys job. I had to take my own down this year, I did not like it one bit and doubt I will have any come Christmas time this year. I never realized what a pain it was to carry in the 40lb bags of salt and dump them into the water softener, it sucks I hate doing it. What I am trying to say is we get so caught up in life that we take the stupid little things for granted and I don't want anyone else to have to realize those things to late.