Anniversary

So today is my 11th anniversary, I say that because although we are getting divorced it is still our anniversary and no papers have been filed or even really worked on up to this point so we are still very much married. This whole process is devastating and heart breaking and not just for me and for Mike but for so many other people. I don't think we realize how much our marriages or relationships actually effect so many people.
It has come to my attention that people think this is terrible, and it is terrible but I think it is terrible for different reasons. It is terrible because I still very much love my husband and it is terrible because my kids are struggling, it is terrible because both Mike and I struggling. It is a very hard thing to have to do. It is not terrible in the sense that we fight about a lot of things because the truth is we don't we have definitely fought more going through some decision making to get to this point then we ever did while being a "happily" married couple but we don't fight about the kids we don't really fight about money or any of that stuff. We both really want what is best for our kids. We both want to make this as easy as possible for them. The hardest part is Winter because she is so deeply hurt, she understands what is happening and why, she is heartbroken for so many reasons, the little kids just don't get it. Also Winter has known Mike the longest he has been her dad the longest. She knew him as the dad that read to her and played with her outside fixed her tires, all that stuff, the truth is, with Mikes schedule for the last 4 years my little kids have only know him as a weekend dad, Owen and Xavier have never had Mike home to put them to bed at night so it isn't to much of a change for them. That part is the hardest for me. Now that he is working days he has all this time that he could be with the kids and now he isn't. He could be putting them to bed every night, reading to them but he isn't I waited so long for this, I feel like although Mike was putting in the "work" hours I was putting in a lot to, taking care of the kids alone and the house alone and the yard and all that alone and I never got the pay off, it was all for nothing.

So for this non-anniversary post I will just say a few things I will miss and a few things I won't miss as this is my last anniversary post.
1. I won't miss mikes piles, he makes piles when he comes home, emptying his pockets, taking off his shoes, top shirt or jacket etc....
2. I will miss his sense of humor, he could always make me laugh and everyone needs that in life, so a definite miss.
3. I won't miss his messing up my bed, I like it nice and neat he always had it in a messy ball
4. I will miss his passionate arguments on politics, We never agreed but I liked that, I liked that we had things to discuss and try to learn different points of view from the other. And I can honestly say over the years he did manage to get me to soften on a few subjects.
5. I won't miss his laundry, he always has so much laundry and figuring out what is clean and what is dirty because they are both on the floor I don't miss that.
6. I will miss Lake Powell trips with him, we always found a way to have time with just our own little family before joining up with either my family or his. These are some of my very favorite memories with Mike and I will so very much miss making new ones.
7. I won't miss his impatience when trying to fix things, he always gets mad and ends up throwing something or yelling a lot, okay actually its kind of funny so maybe I will miss it a little
8. I won't miss his errand running when we are already late for something, he always has some kind of errand to run, "just need to drop this here really fast or go buy this on the way" drove me crazy.
9. I will miss I do miss watching tv series with him on Sunday nights whether its Weeds, or Dexter, Greys Anatomy, any of the others he got me hooked on I do miss that and I am now very behind on all those shows and I will probably never watch them again.
10. I won't miss how he changes a song after just a couple lines, he waits for you to get into the song and then changes it. Or him turning up the radio when I try to talk to him, because he isn't much of a talker.
11. I will miss, I do miss his companionship, he has been my best friend for a long time and it is really hard to not have that anymore, its hard to not text him or call him when stupid things happen in the day.

I have learned a lot of stuff over this last year about my husband stuff I never really knew and I am sure he has learned stuff about me. I do wish for happiness for us both as we move forward and I hope this is the right choice. I know people say you shouldn't air your dirty laundry but maybe somebody out there is going through a hard time and my dirty laundry could help someone else not have to go through something like this.

I will say to all spouses make sure you thank your partners for the little things, I never appreciated mine for putting up the Christmas lights and taking them down I just thought it was a boys job. I had to take my own down this year, I did not like it one bit and doubt I will have any come Christmas time this year. I never realized what a pain it was to carry in the 40lb bags of salt and dump them into the water softener, it sucks I hate doing it. What I am trying to say is we get so caught up in life that we take the stupid little things for granted and I don't want anyone else to have to realize those things to late.

Lent

So today starts Lent, I am not a super religious person, but I think it is a good thing to try and do and to try and teach my kids the value of giving up something for a period of time.

So as a family we decided to give up caffeine. I think the only one it will be hard for is Winter, well and Mike if he decides to do it I told him we were doing it and he could join if he wants. Anyway, we have not been giving caffeine to our little kids for a few weeks now because Zarley doesn't sleep well these days (yes I know my kids shouldn't have it it is bad for them but truth is they do have it, get over it.) my pediatrician(who is the best) and I came up with a plan to try to help the sleep problem, it has meant a lot of changes for us but I am trying to avoid sleeping pills so we are giving it our all.
1. No caffeine, including chocolate, that is hard for Zarley who can sit and eat a whole bag of chocolate chips by herself (yuck!). The Dr. said after dinner at least so I decided no caffeine period, no chocolate after dinner. I just couldn't do that to her.
2. More exercise. She does tumbling a couple times a week but sometimes I have to carry her in kicking and screaming but I feel it is worth it because it gets her out of the house, she likes it once she gets there and I leave, and it also gives her some social interaction. On the off days we are going to try and do something together because I need more exercise to maybe it will help me sleep better as well. I sleep in like 1 1/2 intervals it really sucks!
3. NO electronics after dinner time. No TV, no Nintendo DS, no Ipod nothing. This one is probably the hardest but it has actually been kind of nice.

Ok back to Lent so because of these changes I figured for Lent caffeine would be best, my little kids are already doing it and it isn't good for Winter and honestly I don't really drink it, although I have been drinking more Dr. Pepper lately than I have in a long time its so easy to get caught back in that damn trap so I figured this would get me back out. So as I explained what little I know about Lent to my kids and why we are doing it. Zar says to me I want to give up reading. I told her it couldn't be something she hates, that would be to easy it has to be something she loves. So she comes back a little later and says ok mom I am going to give up school for 40 weeks. I again told her it had to be something she loves not something she hates. She told Winter, I am going to tell mom I love school so I can give it up for 40 weeks. Don't tell her k! Winter: Zar you know 40 weeks is almost the whole year right? It isn't 40 weeks it's 40 days...Zar: oh man I thought I would have more time off. Then Zar comes to me and says: Mom I totally love going to tumbling, I think I am going to give it up for Lent. Mom: Zar your not giving that up that is good for you and you need to keep doing it, we are doing caffeine or you can give up TV. Zar: oh no way I can't give up TV I will do caffeine you don't let me drink it anymore anyway..... Finally she is getting it. She is pretty damn funny sometimes. Winter said I should give up water but that is just ridiculous you cant give up water.

I don't really know all the ins and outs of Lent but I think it will be a good learning experience for me and the kids. I guess we are kind of doing our own version of it. Something to make us healthier, something we are doing together. Anyone else doing anything like it?

actions

So I read this blog sometimes, http://www.memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com/ if you haven't ever read it you should. Sometimes I think she is a bit over the top and sometimes I think she is amazing and strong. She seems to forge her own path with her kids and not really care what the rest of society thinks. Which I think is a lot easier said than done. Her last post is about how actions speak so much louder than words especially to preteens and teens. I have been thinking about this so much lately with Winter. How I or everyone in her life can tell her something but our actions are sometimes sending a much different message and sometimes it's the message of our actions that she is getting not the words we are saying.
Teenage years are hard, I think back to being a teenager and how you think your parents are so lame with their rules and whatever. Oh my how these years suck as a parent. You want to allow your kids to do things but not get in trouble, you want to send the right message that will build them into strong responsible adults, its a fine line, actions vs. words. You never know which message your kid is receiving the one your telling them or the one your showing them.

Winter is a bright amazing girl, who yes has fault and yes I see it all the time, her grades have slipped this year she seems to not be so interested in dance as she was last year, she has been very caught up in drama that just makes her feel bad, how do I teach her to let things roll off her back? I don't do it. I have spent hours upon hours crying in my room over the last several months, letting other people make me feel bad about myself, yet I am telling her to not listen to other people, to let things go. How can I expect her to do that when I am letting her watch me be weak, letting other peoples words get me down, letting other peoples actions cause me pain.

This post rang loud for me. I want to show her to not let people define me or her, I want all my kids to learn to define themselves for who they are and what they do not what other people tell them they are. I know this post was about media and other things but it gave me a message that was needed right now. As parents it is our job to teach our kids things and put our foot down when it's something we don't want our kids seeing or hearing. I feel such a greater responsibility these days in teaching my kids to make the best decisions in life. To do the things that are right and honest. That means making choices that my kids might not like and other people might not like but they might be best for my kids, and to hell with what other people think!

What do you think? Do you think your actions send the same message as your words? What areas can you work on to send the right or same message? The hardest part is when they say well so and so's parents let them, you catch yourself thinking, do they? well I think they are a good parent so maybe, I guess you should always go with your own gut right? I always say to Winter well I am not so and so's parent but then I find myself questioning or changing my mind. It is hard to stand your ground when everyone else is doing it so to speak. Let me know your thoughts.

Out of gas.....

Last night my best friend and favorite sister in law asked me to meet her at the gym, she signed up where she can bring a friend every time for free, I told her I couldn't meet her I was out of gas, I had no idea how true that was. So this morning I told Owen we had to leave a few minutes early to pick up Xavier from school because I had to get gas and I would get him a treat. I made it down my street and down the next street, I stopped at the Stop sign and my car died. Out of gas. UGH!

My first thought was oh my gosh Mike is going to kill me, then I remembered, Mike won't kill me, he won't even know this happened. Then I thought Oh my gosh what am I going to do? How will I handle this on my own? Sometimes when you run out of gas in a diesel it is tricky to get the car to start again.... I don't know the tricks. First thing I did was call my brother he lives close, but he was at work in American Fork. Plan B call Audrey, she can pick up Xavier and then at least he won't be sitting at school wondering where the hell is mom is. OK I thought one problem solved, Next I called my sister Tiffany who should be heading home from her dance class luckily she was coming right home. She picked up me and Owen and took us to the gas station to get some gas. We came back and put the gas in the car which was kind of hard, I know its sounds lame, who hasn't run out of gas, but I drive a huge lifted Excursion and I had the large gas can and I am 5 ft tall so it was a bit difficult to get the gas into the tank. My sister helped me. I went to try and start the car and at first it wasn't starting I was getting panicked. I closed my eyes and thought I am going to have to call Mike, people are right I can't do this alone. Then I said to myself you can do this, I tried one more time and after a little hesitation my car started. I did it with out any Male help. I know people do this all the time but it is a first for me and its all about the baby steps right?

Sisters are the best thing in the whole world. I don't know what I would do without my sisters. I just don't know how people go through life with out sisters. Mine save me all the time, I wouldn't trade anything for my sisters (this includes you Nat your as close to sister as anyone not born from the same mother could be.) I hope that all my sisters feel they can ask me for anything like I know I can ask them. Audrey and Tiffany thank you so much for your help today. I hope as I adjust to my new life I don't burden you with all the help I might need.

I am so glad my girls have each other. Even though there is a big space between them and even though they both say they don't like each other I know they do and I know that they will be there for each other no matter what. Just like lastnight when Zar and I had an emotional conversation about divorce and stuff after she asked me to send Winter in. Winter went in and talked to her, I asked Winter what Zar wanted and Winter said she had said she just didn't want to be alone. I am so glad she was able to aske for her sister and that her sister was able to be there for her.

Bitter Sweet

Today I took my kids swimming for the very first time as a single mom. I have actually never taken my kids swimming alone before, I usually go with my sister and her kids so her teenagers help or Winter and a friend who also help a little. Or with Mike but today I took my 3 little ones and one of my nieces all by myself. The kids go back on track next week and we have had a rough month trying to get caught up on things. I haven't grocery shopped or done anything so today was a special treat.
It was bitter sweet. I know I can handle all the kids in the pool now, I know Owen hasn't lost his swimming skills. Last time we went swimming both Mike and I were so impressed with how well he was doing its been so long I was a little worried he might have regressed but he hasn't.
It was different, I am a little short so we can't go as deep to jump off the edge as we would when Mike came with us but I still did it. Going in the lazy river isn't quite as fun with two kids you can't quite float them the same as you can just one, but I did it.
I can't exactly take pictures of the fun event because I am on my own and can't be in arms length as the rules state and taking pictures so I still have to find that balance.
I know this sounds stupid and I know that moms take their kids swimming and do that kind of stuff all the time, but for me this is a first of many and it is hard and good all that the same time. I was told earlier this week I couldn't do it on my own so I guess I look at it as me saying yes I can and just watch me do it.