Yep, I am that Mom!

  Yep I am that mom, and I dare to air my dirty laundry right here for the world (or the very few who view my blog) to see. I medicate my child.
    So as pretty much everyone knows I struggle with my pretty little firecracker. I have since Kindergarten started. I asked if anyone else thought there was a problem,I asked the school I felt put off by them, oh things will come together.  By the end of Kindergarten I was so frustrated and finally my pediatrician (after the "bitch" incident) recommended that I have Zar tested which I did.  The school I feel was my first road block, getting support on doing this testing  I felt was my second road block.  But I did it anyway and have been doing so ever since.
   So we started 1st grade out learning that Zar was dyslexic, and that she suffered from some anxiety (sometimes a lot). I spent most of 1st grade just dealing with the episodes, by the end of first grade I felt that they were disturbing our home life enough to take further steps.  This was such a hard decision, because of the way other people feel about such things.   You can see it on peoples faces, when they don't dare to just say it out loud, "oh your going to medicate her?" like you are just an incompetent mom. Because I don't feel that enough on my own without feeling in from others.  Lucky for me my sister had some experience with this and had medicated one of her kids for a short while, I was able to see the difference and decided it was worth it. 
  Second grade, we added another medication because my sweet little child doesn't sleep. she would lay in her bed for hours, or she would fall asleep and then wake up in the middle of the night and be up for hours. Either way it made for very very difficult mornings. Let's not forget that starting second grade our family started a long road of really really hard times.   Where more depression and anxiety come into play with others being very greatly effected.
   Here is where I could go on a whole rant about mental health and how hard it is to find the right help and how the psychology field is a dying field which makes finding help increasingly more difficult. Not to mention the cost, and how little insurance covers. I know all this because I have done my research I have been dealing with it for 3 years. I could go off about how annoying I think it is that people want to talk gun control and not look at mental health, because criminals care about laws..... but I won't because I am already outlawed from certain places and that would make things worse, and this is not meant to be about that.
  So end of second grade we test again, other issues come up we decide Zar has a little O.D.D.  (oppositional defiant disorder) so I set up a plan with the psychologist to help with ways to make life for all of us easier. This requires me making monthly trips to him and he just happens to be located in Clinton. So I drive over an hour for a short visit, again with cost.   And people wonder what drains my financial bucket.
 So here we are to third grade, he does interviews with Zar to see how she feels,because she is an open book about emotions (feel the sarcasm).  He says now she is presenting more depression then anxiety and recommends a med change.  Do you know how long it takes to get mental health drugs in your system so your seeing the full affects?  4-6 weeks.  So we do that.   At the end of second grade I had teachers asking if they had tested her at all for A.d .d.  This has carried into 3rd grade so I bring it up to him, he has me and the teachers fill out papers to see where she scores.
   Results, because of her inability to focus at school and such he recommends another drug. blah!   I have to go to my pediatrician to get all her prescriptions because he does not prescribe.  He tells me and he tells my Dr.  That Zar is a puzzle, that he can't figure her out, that at each 6 week appointment she presents differently.   I am beyond frustrated, I think in part because of so many other stressors in life, but also because it is so hard to see your kid struggle and to have to fight with them over homework and basically everything all the time.
  So I tell Mike about these new developments and he says he doesn't know about another med because he doesn't want his kid all drugged up... Sigh!  I feel like a failure, like it is just me who can't deal.  People when they hear about certain medications in particular get a weird look you can just see the judgement on their faces.  It holds such a stigma. I started thinking you know if a kid was diabetic no one would question you giving them insulin. When our kids are sick we don't question antibiotics, or Tylenol for fevers or Motrin. So why is this any different?  So with much discussion and questions by me to both the pediatrician and the neuro psychologist I decide to give it a try. They tell me this won't take weeks to see if it is working that I will know in a day or two.  To say I was skeptical would be putting it lightly. 

  So about 3 weeks ago I started Zarley on Atterol.  It is the best thing in the whole world.  Day one I could tell.  Mike said maybe she is just having a good day so we waited.  By day 3 she cleaned her whole room by herself with no help.  This was huge that has never happened.  When I say cleaned I mean cleaned she vacuumed (even around the baseboards).  By the end of the first week she was caught up on homework. I don't think she has been caught up on homework the whole year.  The 2nd and 3rd week she has been off track, but I can totally see a difference. 

  Is this a miracle drug no but it has been so nice, she still has her  personality, she still gets mad, and swears at her sister like a sailor.  I asked her at the end of the first week what she thought and she said "I feel good mom I feel like I can focus on my work better".  We still have melt downs and she is still difficult at times she always will be she is Zarley.  
  I guess it has just been bugging me that these sort of things are so taboo and nobody dares talk about them.  Why? Why is it a big deal if your kid need a little help to focus.  Isn't it worse to let your kid constantly struggle because you don't like the stigma that a drug may or may not have with others?
  Zarley has a great team of people doing everything to help her succeed.  I Love her resource teacher and her school teacher.  I feel I have great Dr.s helping me. Mike and I are open to suggestions from them and I feel we listen to each other and just want what is best for her and we talk about these things before making decisions.  At the end of the day all we want is the best for our kids and what everyone else thinks simply doesn't matter. It is what we feel is best. I am so glad that Mike is open to this stuff and supports me on what I feel is best.   I feel like at the end I make all the decisions but never with out his opinion.  I know there are some people out there that maybe don't go down this road because of lack of spouse support or family support.  Its to bad.   
  I must admit I really want to try this drug.  I feel like I can't focus, I often wonder what I could get done if I had some.   These days I start one thing and move to another I never feel like I accomplish anything. 
   Done with my Rant for now.  If anyone out there ever has questions or feels like they need anyone to talk to about these kinds of challenges you know I am always here.

  Hoping when we go back on track this all continues.  I am actually excited to see what kind of progress she can make now that she can focus on things a little better.