So as it stands right now I see my husband for maybe about 24 hours a week, there for my intellectual conversation is very limited I am really starting to feel the toll its taking on my brain. Most of my conversation are with kids 6 and under which doesn't give me a lot of practice using my brain, the 2 days a week I do go to work I am with elderly people who either don't know what I am saying or I don't have a clue what they are saying either way not a lot of brain use is happening for me which leaves me to my own thoughts for most of the week (that can be scary trust me.) So although I am still talking to myself for the most part I thought I would share some of my recent self to self thoughts and or irritations.
1. I cant stand bikini moms, I don't mean moms that can wear a bikini because believe me if I could pull one off I would. I mean the mom that is more interested in working on her tan or gossiping with her friends than paying attention to what the hell her small child is doing. You cant just throw a life jacket on your kid and think all is well. Get in the water and play with your kid or stay home, these years with our little ones are so short soon they will grow up and be embarrassed of us or think we are to lame to hang around with.
2. When did stores and hospitals or doctors office have to post on their doors "no pets allowed"? Call me crazy but when I was little I swear people understood that dogs were pets and they belong at home not in your purse everywhere you go. I know that service animals are the exception so don't anyone get all crazy on me but how often do you go somewhere and people have their damn pets with them. I hate to break it to you people they are your pets, they're animals not your kid if you want something to dress up and take everywhere to show off have a kid. ( yes Autumn you count in this. )
3. I know I have said this before but people without kids, you don't know what your talking about, and its not as easily done as you would like to think so stop thinking those of us with kids are idiots and your going to be such a better parent than some of us.. ha ha I cant wait to laugh at you.
4. when money is as tight as it is around here you start to think about Christmas early trying to plan where the money is going to come from which brings me to my next train of thought, if you don't care to take the time to buy something for someone that they would truly like or if you don't know them well enough to even know what that is why are you buying the gift? For me it kind of takes away from the kindness when its done out of obligation as opposed to I really thought you would like this or I really took the time to try to find something for you.
5. This one will without a doubt get me into trouble. Is it possible to have to much family as in to much extended family? We spend quite a bit of time with both of our families that sometimes it seems we are missing out on making our own family traditions and stuff. So my concern comes from what about when my kids are grown are they going to want to come around when we don't have any of our own traditions in place, hard as the realization is grandparents wont be around forever and eventually extended families grow so big that some splitting has to be done. In my family I think we are getting to that with our Thanksgiving traditions and it seems to be a hard thing to change, So it worries me a bit about my own little family of 6.
6. The last thing that I have been thinking about lately is the realization of how insignificant I am in my world, or the harsh realization that what I might have thought to be insecurities aren't really insecurities after all but actual facts of life. hmm that one really sucks .
I am sure that sounds cryptic and my husband will be crazy mad trying to figure it out its not meant to be just not sure how to explain it after all this is just me thinking aloud so to speak. And lastly for anyone wondering "oh I wonder which one pertains to me, you all have issues if you think something pertains to you that's on you to figure out these are just my crazy thoughts I am not speaking about anything in general just things I have thought about lately with all the time I have to think.. (except for the dog thing that does pertain to some peeps._

Broken hearted

So we haven't had a very easy go of it the last couple of weeks. My M.D tells me its anxiety from the school yr coming to an end. The week we got back from our trip and had to go back to school was less than fun every morning was a battle with yelling and crying one day I left Zar crying at school I always hate that. Every day we left the house crying all the way to school (we've been walking which makes it a longer trip to school).
Everyday is full of phrases I am so tired of hearing, "that's what you get for....., or I hate you because..., or Thanks a lot "(not meant politely) or just crying or hitting etc you get the picture. This week has been even worse than last week, One night Zarley was having a complete meltdown because she had decided she wanted McDonald's for dinner and I wasn't complying with this demand. So the screaming and fit throwing began, I calmly took her up to her room where she didn't stay she came down yelling and throwing things. She slammed the drawer shut over and over until the front of it broke off. She calms down here and there but always starts back up. She said to me in her deep raspy voice, " I still hate you and your still a butt hole and the other "b" word, and your stupid and I wish you weren't my mother cuz your just stupid and lazy, and you didn't go anywhere today so you could go in the car and get me McDonald's but no you just sit on your lazy ass all day and do nuffing, I want McDonald's" followed by much crying. I was proud of myself I stayed very calm where I normally flip out at some point and I think that bothered her she didn't get the reaction she usually gets from me but it didn't stop her.
My pediatrician recommended I take her to the neurological and behavior center which I finally got an appointment for but not till august and my deductible is a separate 800.00 bucks!
Today was the worst, and it broke my heart.... She came home from school in a not so good mood she smacked Owen upside the back of his head because he said something was a butterfly and it wasn't "so that's what he gets" I told her she can't do that and told her to go inside of course she didn't listen so I was making her go inside she was crying and then threw a pencil at my head, it hurt and now I am bleeding and she is screaming I didn't want to make her go inside any more because Mike was sleeping and had stayed up while I went to the school for the dance festival.(oh joy!) and I could tell she wasn't calming down anytime soon now. So my sister said I could put her in her room. Well that brings up another problem, I can't leave her alone, she gets destructive and my house is one thing but I can't have her destroying someone Else's. So I go up with her and I am sitting by her trying to talk to her (its not going well) As I am bleeding from my head and it is hurting I am watching her roll on the ground and cry and trying to tell her that she hurt me and she says she doesn't care. (I really don't know if she does or not at this point her fit has moved to being upset because I refuse to give her back the pencil she threw at me) I just look at her beautiful little face and I am so sad, tears start streaming down my face (I know what your thinking that kid is terrible and she should be smacked or I would do this I have heard it all and tried a lot of it) I know I should be so mad but I am nothing but sad and broken hearted that my little girl is struggling so much and I don't know how to help her and she doesn't know how to stop or change her mood(again Dr. Amber talking) and it is just so so heartbreaking as a mom... Her mood changed at some point but needless to say it wasn't the end of our meltdowns for the day. I hope we can make it til august.