Out of gas.....

Last night my best friend and favorite sister in law asked me to meet her at the gym, she signed up where she can bring a friend every time for free, I told her I couldn't meet her I was out of gas, I had no idea how true that was. So this morning I told Owen we had to leave a few minutes early to pick up Xavier from school because I had to get gas and I would get him a treat. I made it down my street and down the next street, I stopped at the Stop sign and my car died. Out of gas. UGH!

My first thought was oh my gosh Mike is going to kill me, then I remembered, Mike won't kill me, he won't even know this happened. Then I thought Oh my gosh what am I going to do? How will I handle this on my own? Sometimes when you run out of gas in a diesel it is tricky to get the car to start again.... I don't know the tricks. First thing I did was call my brother he lives close, but he was at work in American Fork. Plan B call Audrey, she can pick up Xavier and then at least he won't be sitting at school wondering where the hell is mom is. OK I thought one problem solved, Next I called my sister Tiffany who should be heading home from her dance class luckily she was coming right home. She picked up me and Owen and took us to the gas station to get some gas. We came back and put the gas in the car which was kind of hard, I know its sounds lame, who hasn't run out of gas, but I drive a huge lifted Excursion and I had the large gas can and I am 5 ft tall so it was a bit difficult to get the gas into the tank. My sister helped me. I went to try and start the car and at first it wasn't starting I was getting panicked. I closed my eyes and thought I am going to have to call Mike, people are right I can't do this alone. Then I said to myself you can do this, I tried one more time and after a little hesitation my car started. I did it with out any Male help. I know people do this all the time but it is a first for me and its all about the baby steps right?

Sisters are the best thing in the whole world. I don't know what I would do without my sisters. I just don't know how people go through life with out sisters. Mine save me all the time, I wouldn't trade anything for my sisters (this includes you Nat your as close to sister as anyone not born from the same mother could be.) I hope that all my sisters feel they can ask me for anything like I know I can ask them. Audrey and Tiffany thank you so much for your help today. I hope as I adjust to my new life I don't burden you with all the help I might need.

I am so glad my girls have each other. Even though there is a big space between them and even though they both say they don't like each other I know they do and I know that they will be there for each other no matter what. Just like lastnight when Zar and I had an emotional conversation about divorce and stuff after she asked me to send Winter in. Winter went in and talked to her, I asked Winter what Zar wanted and Winter said she had said she just didn't want to be alone. I am so glad she was able to aske for her sister and that her sister was able to be there for her.

Bitter Sweet

Today I took my kids swimming for the very first time as a single mom. I have actually never taken my kids swimming alone before, I usually go with my sister and her kids so her teenagers help or Winter and a friend who also help a little. Or with Mike but today I took my 3 little ones and one of my nieces all by myself. The kids go back on track next week and we have had a rough month trying to get caught up on things. I haven't grocery shopped or done anything so today was a special treat.
It was bitter sweet. I know I can handle all the kids in the pool now, I know Owen hasn't lost his swimming skills. Last time we went swimming both Mike and I were so impressed with how well he was doing its been so long I was a little worried he might have regressed but he hasn't.
It was different, I am a little short so we can't go as deep to jump off the edge as we would when Mike came with us but I still did it. Going in the lazy river isn't quite as fun with two kids you can't quite float them the same as you can just one, but I did it.
I can't exactly take pictures of the fun event because I am on my own and can't be in arms length as the rules state and taking pictures so I still have to find that balance.
I know this sounds stupid and I know that moms take their kids swimming and do that kind of stuff all the time, but for me this is a first of many and it is hard and good all that the same time. I was told earlier this week I couldn't do it on my own so I guess I look at it as me saying yes I can and just watch me do it.

Zarley

Zarley, Zar-Zar, Zarlybinkines, Bugges

To Zarley:
Hey Zar its Dad, I wanted to tell you that I love you. I love you with all my heart. You are your own person and I can’t wait to see what you grow up into. From the moment I saw you in moms belly at the south town mall I know I was in love. I have my weak moments in life like everyone does. But you have always been there for me to pull me off the edge. You and your sister and your brothers. Are you the best behaved little girl? No certainly not but I would not have you any other way. And a girl could be as fun and exciting and full of laughs and be a good girl. I know times are easy right now. I know whose fault that is. But that doesn’t change who you are to me and what you mean to me. When I spend time with you, you make me the happiest father in the world. I know school is tough I know some of the challenges you face in your life because I have face the same challenges. I think that’s why we bond. I pray you don’t grow up to face the challenges I face these days. But if by chance you do I hope you have someone to pull you out of the darkness the way you always seems to do for me. If not for a single hello on the phone or a kiss from you who knows where I would be. I look at your smile and it could brighten up the dark side of the moon. There are days I find myself on that dark side of the moon and it’s your light that shines, and shows me the path back to life. I know that's a lot of responsibility for such a little girl. But I want you to know that you mean more to me then the world itself. It breaks my heart to hear when you have sad days or bad days. I want you to know that I have them too. I have the days where you just don't want to get out of bed and face the world. But there is this little girl out there that sunshine’s and gets me to face life. Because I know that I could not face life without you. So on your Birthday I don't mean to make this about me. But I want you to understand how important you are to me. How I could not live without you. You will never have an idea how true those words are. Zarley I love you. Below is a song that reminds me of you. You are my answer, I hope when you grow up I will be your answer. I will always be here for you. Like my parents in your darkest days and lowest moments there will always be a hand there to pull you out. Sometimes you just need to look up instead of down. I miss you every second of every day. I miss seeing what outfit you will decide fits your mood or what shoes might work. I love the gamble of if it’s going to be a good day or a bad day. You can be so sweet to your brothers. I loved how you promised to share perfume with your sister because you knew she wanted it. Some day you’re going to grow up and wonder who is there for you. You should know I will always be there for you.

I have 8 birthday wishes for you

1. 1. I know your little heart can dream and I wish all your dreams come true. I promise to do everything in my power to make them happen.

2. 2. I know you don’t like your glasses but I hope one day you will see yourself for how cute you are in them

3. 3. You are as special as your name is. There is no other Zarley out there.

4. 4. I hope some day you get all the American girl dolls your heart desires

5. 5. I wish I could bring you a Mnt Dew every morning. But a responsible parent doesn’t do that. Doesn’t mean I don’t want too.

6. 6. I hope I get to take you to England some time so you can see where your Dad came from

7. 7. I hope when you grow up you have a child that means as much to you as you do to me.

8. I hope that you find happiness we try to find each day.

Love Always,
Dad

Answer

By Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

Link to Song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=f6pQcpFnXOI

new blog

I started a new blog its private, if you want to join email me ammitt03@gmail.com.

Happy Birthday Mike

So today is Mike's birthday. I am not going to tell you 35 things you don't know about him because I don't think I could come up with 35, I am going to tell you 35 of my most memorable moments with Mike. Mike is all about the fun in life that's one of the things I love most.
35.My first memory is of him at hockey game I was there with my friend Kerry, I remember thinking he was a jerk, and wondering if he spoke.
34. Being full on football tackled by him in a hotel hallway, we had gone to Vegas for a hockey game, I went with Kerry. I had the hotel room key and he wanted it. So he chased me down the hall and tackled me .
33. We went to a Depeche Mode concert together before we were dating, it was awkward at first then we started making fun of all the crazies, I started to think maybe he wasn't so bad.
32.Clanging beer bottles down the movie theatre floor that they had snuck in and Mike yelling out "one time" when it was real quiet. a line from the Mary J Blige song. It was funny at the time.
31.For my birthday right before we started dating he brought me a candle, there was just some guy at the door for me it was sweet.
30.Mike use to always leave me treats in my car, he was working nights so he would drop things off on his way home, I would go to work at 6 and find little treats in my car.
29. He was always more than willing and wanting to babysit Winter for me while I went to school or when I had to work Saturday mornings. He also didn't mind changing diapers, which was great most guys aren't like that.
28. We went to New York for New Years 1999, to see his friend Damko who was stationed there, it was fun we took a carriage ride through Central Park, even though there were 2 others along for the ride it is still a great memory for me.
27.On our first trip to California together he drove Winter and I all around Torrance showing us his old stomping grounds, we weren't that interested, it was kind of funny.
26.When we were still dating we would take turns buying stuff at Target, we took a lot of camping trips that summer and by the end had built our own collection of gear, it was fun to buy stuff for our future together.
25.The first time Mike was buying baby stuff with me he said loudly to the cashier,"holy shit this stuff is expensive."
24. Getting engaged it was the 4th of July, he was so nervous, and was getting so mad because things weren't going right. I couldn't understand why he was getting so worked up... It was very sweet he made sure Winter was with us because we would be a family.
23. Our first miscarriage, it was heartbreaking and he was so concerned for me and loving.
22. Mikes wisdom teeth came out about the same time as our first miscarriage, he wanted me to remove the bloody gauze from his mouth, like he couldn't do that himself, gross.
21. Mike's first trip to Lake Powell with my family, he wore all black all the time, black t-shirts, black shorts, black socks, and this ugly black Dr. Martin hat, and then would complain about it being so hot....
20. "Get off the bed you on my side" when we were having Zarley my water broke and I happened to be on the bed on his side. he just kept saying ewe hurry get off. Like I could just jump up super quick.
19. In the operating room having Zar he said, "you could have waited for the game to be over its the playoffs you know" . seriously all the Dr.'s and nurses just laughed.
18. The moment Zar was born, it was so sweet and Mike couldn't figure out what to do, stay with me or go with Zar.
17.The moment Owen was born, we didn't know what he was when they said boy Mike actually popped a tear, he said he had all this blond hair.
16. In the hospital having Xavier he said, "you better have this kid or everyone at work is going to think I am a liar" really that is your concern.
15. The moment Xman was born.
14.Forgetting my clothes to wear home when leaving the hospital with Xavier , then Mike leaving me and all 4 kids at the hospital while he ran to the mall to buy me an outfit. button up shorts and a polo shirt, like I could fit into clothes..(I actually did and it was a cute outfit.)
13.Mike's gumby body and how floppy it is and how he almost always injured someone else when riding the water weenie with them.
12. Mike injuring himself while riding the tube and getting an awful rope burn on his neck, it was bad, and a scary moment.
11. "what's your mood ring?" those that camped with us that year at Powell know, it was one of my all time favorite Lake Powell years.
10. Mike getting so mad at Disney Land that he dropped the F bomb and not quietly because they wouldn't let 3 yr old Winter on Star Tours, funny and embarrassing.
9. Losing the kayak paddle in Mexico, that sucker cost us 100.00 bucks, but it was funny
8. Sitting poolside in Mexico for a week, thinking I didn't have a care in the world, I would give anything to go back to that moment.
7. "Your going to have to dial down the crazy, we have a lot of years left together." Mike said this to me recently and it just made me smile thinking of all the years we had left together, it really made me feel loved, so I remember it.
6. Mike walking home from South Town Mall to our house in Herriman the week of Christmas, because he and Winter were fighting and like I tell my kids all the time when they fight in the car I say get out, so he did and he walked home, it wasn't funny then because it took him hours and I was very worried but it is funny now.
5. Our special time in Lake Powell with just our "Howard 6" we have made it a point to go down before everyone else for the last couple of years to have some time with just our little family, I love this time, and always really look forward to it.
4. Mike working 5 million hours for us so that we can take little vacations or do Christmas, he is such a hard worker and does whatever he can to provide for us.
3. This last summer Mike helping my mom up the mountain to the Indian Ruins in Lake Powell, and him being so excited for her to ski, almost to the point of obnoxious, My mom had her leg cut off, and I was so proud that of all the people there it was my compassionate husband who was there with her all the way to the top. I will forever remember that.
Most of these have been in chronological order or close to but these last two aren't but they are the most memorable to me...
2. Our wedding day, Mike had the best vows, he had quotes and everything, I felt so stupid going after him, what I had to say just was lame in comparison.
1. My very most memorable moment with Mike came the summer we got engaged, we weren't engaged quite yet, we took a trip together to California, I had set up to meet up with Ryan Winters biological dad, and Mike kept complaining at how he didn't want to meet him and how awkward it was going to be, I finally said to him stop worrying there is an 80% chance he won't show. Then the phone call came canceling the meeting, Mike flipped out, he just couldn't understand that, he went on and on about how Ryan didn't know what he was missing out on and how great of a kid she was. In that moment I stopped caring about Ryan not being there because I knew that I had found the best person to be a dad to my daughter, I knew that this was who I would spend my life with and have children with. Grow old with
I love you Mike hope you have a great birthday.

Happy Birthday Winter

So yesterday or a few days ago (Sorry Winter Dad's fault) was Winters Golden Birthday she turned 14 her birthday is the 14th for anyone who doesn't know what that is.

What can I say about Winter, She is to me such and amazing child I know I am bias she is my kid but she amazes me all the time. We have gone through some really hard times lately and I know it affects her and she still is there for me more than a daughter should be. She has become like a 3rd parent around our house and I know I don't tell her enough how much I appreciate her help.

See she really does love her sister

Winter is that kid who gets stuff done. If she wants something by damn she will find a way to get it. A bedroom for herself is the perfect example... she doesn't want to share with Zarley any more so she has assigned out her gifts to get it done. Granddad is in charge of walls mom and dad in charge of carpet, grandma Sharon bedding.... you get the point pretty impressive.

Here you see a Winter in her natural environment. Texting (above)
And using the out house (Below)

A lot of changes are happening in Winters life and the way she handles things impresses me all the time. Her comprehension for life is astounding for a 14yr old girl. I know that if she sets her mind to it she will accomplish whatever she wants in life.
Happy Golden Birthday Winter. I love you!

Winter being well Winter

Winter what can we say about Winter. She has that ability to ease any situation. She can make a difficult situation very easy to be with. She is an incredible dancer. I will be honest i dont know the moves i dont knows whats hard and whats not easy. But she seems to make all the moves look graceful and easy. I think thats why her middle name is grace. It was an insight to her future.

She lives life to the fullest and doesnt take any time off to stop and look around. She just goes 100 % all the time. She loves spending time with her friends. We all love it when she gets along with her sister. She always seems to get along with her brothers. She is growing up so fast. We have a boyfriend to look forward to meeting. She doesnt want us to meet him but parents always win.

I just want to say that Winter really is the best daughter a father could ask for. Do we have our ups and downs. Yes we do. But really she is a great kid who is very helpful. I don't show it very much but she is one of the funniest people i know. People always say they don't care what people think. Winter really does not. I don't have a picture of it but i wish you could see this jacket she has now started to wear to school. Its un-real. Every time i look at her i think only you winter. And then I think just be you Winter because i love everything about you. Even those nasty ass sweats that are bad enough but to cut them short. Wow not me! But i love you for that.

Winter we love you!

Love

Mom and Dad.

Cory this picture is for you!

Very Proud of my daughter

Again this is Winter being Winter


Not sure how she sleeps like this but had to add it!

Hard Times

A few years ago when I was turning 20 I found out I was pregnant with Winter. I thought that was the hardest time in my life. Moving home from a place I loved, having to face all the disappointment from myself and others. Trying to re figure out my life plan, dealing with judgement from others. It all seemed to work out for the best and I am so grateful everyday that Winter came into my life. I think in order to meet Mike and have the 3 beautiful kids we have together that had to happen to me.
Fast forward a few years I am now facing what I think is the hardest time in my life. I am trying to figure out how my life is suppose to work out from here. I feel lost everyday. I don't think a day has gone by in the last 3 months that I haven't cried and I DON'T cry. There is sadness all around me and I don't know how much more I can handle. I have amazing family on both sides that have been there for me, but nobody really understands how hard this has all been. Some days I struggle just to leave my bedroom. Thank goodness for kids I have to take care of or I'm not sure I would leave my room.
Sometimes we get so lost and its so hard to find our way back to the light. I hope everyday that the light will show itself today and yet it doesn't seem to happen. How much is to much for one person to handle? I think I am about to my limit! Here's to hoping tomorrow is the day!